i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
