Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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