I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
