I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize