Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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