I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
handjob tips. give me some.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My feet surprised me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
