STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
