Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
