I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
