The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
