this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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