she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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