there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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