dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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