just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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