I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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