My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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