Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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