What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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