Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
40s are totally the cure
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
