I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
