One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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