So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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