I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
