They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
