mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize