After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
