You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
soo... how was my night?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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