she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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