My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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