this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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