I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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