he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
