He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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