the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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