its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
tell me about the eggs
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
