Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
