My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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