i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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