I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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