So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
