3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
