WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
