my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
