I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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