Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize