I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
