I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
