I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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