Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
