i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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