Cold hands, warm shart.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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