I met the friendliest cop last night
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
