my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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