I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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