omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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