He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
