I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
