Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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