I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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