Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
