I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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