If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize