Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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