You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
